Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater: Is It True?

Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater: Is It True?

“Once a cheater, always a cheater.” A saying seemingly etched into stone, it sounds as undeniable as gravity itself.

If you’ve ever been cheated on, feared being cheated on, or watched a friend navigate the messy aftermath, you’ve almost certainly heard this phrase – perhaps even said it yourself.  And while it sounds tidy (and maybe a little satisfying to say when you’re angry), real life is…not tidy. Humans are complex, and human behavior just as much so.

So let’s get into it: where does this saying come from, what’s actually true, and are cheaters destined to keep repeating the same pattern forever?

Why We Want “Once A Cheater, Always a Cheater” to Be True

Honestly? Because it simplifies a very complicated, messy, situation.  In a moment when you may be feeling deeply hurt and completely out of control, the words “once a cheater, always a cheater” provide something that feels like solid ground.  Something you can grip onto when everything else is spinning out.

If the saying is true, then you don’t have to agonize over whether to forgive someone. You don’t have to sit with uncertainty or do the hard work of rebuilding broken trust. You can just say, “Nope, done,” and move on.  Simple.

It’s protective and succinct. But people – and their behavior – don’t fit into neat little absolutes.

People Cheat for Different Reasons

This doesn’t mean cheating is ever okay. It isn’t. But lumping every cheating scenario into one bucket misses the complexity behind why it happens. People cheat because…

• They’re emotional intimacy
• They’re seeking validation outside the relationship
• They’re feeling disconnected, numb, or neglected
• They’re reenacting old wounds
• They’re struggling with impulse control
• They’re terrified of vulnerability
• They’re wrestling with unmet needs – sometimes ones they can’t articulate

And yes, sometimes people cheat because they’re immature, selfish, or just plain conflict-avoidant. Those patterns can repeat. But they don’t have to.

The Real Question: Did They Do the Work?

Here’s the truth: past behavior predicts future behavior only when nothing changes.

People absolutely can break harmful patterns – if they’re willing to look at the root causes of their poor choices.

Someone who cheats and then:

• blames their partner
• minimizes what happened
• denies it and refuses to take accountability
• pushes for a quick “Can’t we just move on?”
• gets defensive or shuts down
• isn’t interested in learning more about why they cheated

…yeah, they’re more likely to cheat again, because the underlying issues are still sitting there, ready to trigger the same destructive behavior.

But someone who cheats and:

• takes full ownership
• sits with the discomfort of what they’ve done
• engages in therapy and/or serious self-reflection
• works to actively rebuild trust
• communicates openly and vulnerably
• identifies and addresses the underlying issues that led there

…is not doomed to cheat again.

That person is doing the hard work of not just saying they want to change, but actually changing.

Cheating Is a Symptom, Not an Identity

This is where the “once a cheater, always a cheater” myth falls apart.

Cheating isn’t a personality type. An identity.

Cheating is a behavior – one that can be examined, understood, and reshaped.

The people who break the betrayal pattern are the ones who turn toward discomfort instead of running from it.  The ones who can face their partner’s injury and go through the collaborative process of healing it, and possibly make the relationship even stronger in the process.

If You’re Wondering Whether “Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater” Applies to Your Partner…

There’s no universal answer, but here are a few questions to consider:

• Is your partner genuinely remorseful, or just guilty they got caught?
• Are they taking steps to actively rebuild trust?
• Are they transparent, accountable, and patient with your healing?
• Are they willing to explore why it happened – in depth, not just providing surface-level excuses?
• Do you feel safe enough to be open and honest with them about the painful impact their betrayal has had on you?

If the answer is “yes” more often than “no,” there might be a path to repair.

If the answer is “no” to most of the above, you’re not obligated to play detective, therapist, and cheerleader for someone who isn’t doing the work.  This is where the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” might actually ring true.

If You Need Support Sorting This Out

Infidelity shatters trust.  It’s no small thing. And you don’t have to navigate the confusion, grief, and anger alone.

If you’re struggling with a betrayal, unsure of how to rebuild trust with your partner, or trying to figure out what to do next, reach out. Our Affair Repair Therapy can help you get clarity, heal the deeper wounds, and figure out what you truly want moving forward.

So, is a cheater always a cheater? Not necessarily.  And now you have some ways to tell whether your partner can change their behavior, or whether they’re more likely to repeat it.