If you find yourself saying, "My partner never wants to have sex!" then this is the blog for you! Let’s talk about something that comes up in almost every long-term relationship at some point: desire discrepancy. One partner wants sex more often than the other. One partner initiates and gets turned down, while the other partner feels pressure even when they’re not being asked outright. One partner feels hounded, while the other feels rejected. Nobody wins, and over time resentment can start to build on both sides.
Dr. Emily Nagoski, author of critically acclaimed Come As You Are, has identified a common pattern that arises from this imbalance and calls it “The Chasing Dynamic.” And if you’ve ever felt like you’re always the one wanting more sex—and getting nowhere—or like your partner’s desire feels like a constant demand you can never meet, you’ve probably been caught in it.
So What Is The Chasing Dynamic?
The Chasing Dynamic usually goes something like this:
- One partner (let’s call them the high-desire partner) initiates sex or expresses a need for physical closeness.
- The other partner (the low-desire partner) doesn’t feel desire at that moment—or maybe even feels actively turned off by the pressure—and says no.
- The high-desire partner starts to feel rejected, maybe even unattractive or unwanted. So they either retreat emotionally or double down and try harder.
- The low-desire partner starts to feel like sex has become a performance or an obligation, not something they get to do but something they have to do to placate their partner and keep the peace.
- Round and round they go. The more one chases, the more the other pulls away. And the further apart they feel, both in the bedroom and out.
It’s painful on both sides. One person feels like they’re always being turned down, and the other feels like they’re always being pursued, with no room to just want sex on their own terms.
Understanding the Brakes and how this leads to your partner never wanting to have sex
Here’s where Dr. Nagoski’s work really shines. She explains that sexual desire isn’t just about hormones, or love, or timing—it’s about context. Each of us has what she calls a Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) (your brakes) and a Sexual Excitation System (SES) (your accelerator). Brakes can be anything from stress and body image issues to unresolved resentment. Accelerators are the things that turn you on—like a sensual massage, feeling emotionally connected, or even just a relaxed evening with no distractions.
If you’re the low-desire partner, chances are your brakes are being slammed on without you even realizing it. If you’re the high-desire partner, you’ve been feeling rejected when really it’s just that your partner’s brakes are fully engaged.
Desire discrepancy isn’t just about wanting different amounts of sex—it’s often about needing different conditions for desire to even show up.
How to Get Out of The Chasing Dynamic
Dr. Nagoski doesn’t leave us stuck in this painful pattern. She offers some real, actionable strategies for shifting out of it:
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Stop treating desire like a problem to fix.
No one wants to feel like a broken machine. Approaching your partner with curiosity instead of urgency can lower the pressure and open up conversation. Ask things like, “What helps you feel more connected to me?” or “What kind of touch feels good even when you’re not in the mood for sex?”
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Create conditions that invite desire.
This goes for both partners. That might mean planning time for non-sexual intimacy, reducing stress, addressing emotional distance, or carving out protected space (and time) for pleasure without an agenda. Remember, for many people, desire shows up after physical arousal starts—not before.
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Redefine what intimacy looks like.
Sometimes we get so locked into “sex = intimacy” that we miss all the other ways to feel close. Holding hands, making out like teenagers, taking a shower together, or even just having an uninterrupted conversation can go a long way toward rebuilding connection. Sometimes sharing a laugh can be the best form of foreplay!
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Let go of the chase.
This one’s especially important for the high-desire partner: stop pursuing sex as a way to confirm your worth or your partner’s love. That creates pressure, not passion. Instead, prioritize closeness, fun, and emotional safety. Desire may return in a more mutual way when it’s no longer being demanded.
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Talk about it—but don’t make it just about sex.
Conversations about desire discrepancy often spiral into hurt or defensiveness. Make space to talk about what each of you wants (in and out of bed) without judgment. Focus on what you can build together rather than what’s missing.
If Your Partner Never Wants to Have Sex, You’re not doomed.
Being caught up in The Chasing Dynamic doesn’t mean your relationship is broken, and it doesn’t mean you’re doomed to chase or flee forever. The Chasing Dynamic is just a feedback loop, and like any repetitive pattern, it can be interrupted. With compassion, communication, and a deeper understanding of what desire actually looks like (hint: it’s rarely spontaneous and effortless), you can get out of the tug-of-war and move into something that feels a lot more like partnership.
Ask an expert! Couples Therapy can help!
Desire discrepancy is normal, and speaking with a trained couples therapist can help you address it and figure out a path forward that feels better for both of you and takes both of your needs into account. Get in touch with us if you’d like some support with getting unstuck! The therapists on our team are trained in working with sex and intimacy in relationships, and we provide a safe and judgement-free space where couples can effectively navigate these issues together.
