Talking about divorce can be scary for any couple. However, many of the couples in therapy come in for just this reason: the threat of divorce. It can be difficult to decipher whether this is really the end for us or if they are just protesting.

At Cycles Couples Counseling we will help you to explore these divorce threats and get to the root of what’s actually happening in your relationship.

Seeing Red vs. Calculated

One of the first things your couples therapist will explore is how and when the threat of divorce came about.

Was this a vulnerable, thought out suggestion or was this in the heat of battle?

Anger is a very passionate emotion. In the throes of anger, we all have said something more inflammatory than what we actually meant. For some people in the grips of that attachment panic, this means threatening to leave. Counterintuitively, when the fear of the relationship distress becomes too immense, some partner’s suggest breaking up, thinking it may be a less painful alternative.

Certainly, this is not a well-calculated or logical approach to the problem. However, when partners are caught in the climax of an argument, this acute protest to withdraw and separate often comes out. Rather than an actual desire for divorce, the threat of divorce can be a protective and reactive move in the negative cycle.

No, this is not the time to decide something so life altering. We get it. However, emotions in a negative cycle with your partner can sometimes be powerful enough to throw you into such a tailspin that causes you to dive head first into this vulnerable territory.

Although for some, this conversation is carefully calculated. The topic of divorce is not so much a threat, but a thoughtful consideration. Usually partners with this approach have been considering a break up for a while and tend to be more organized in their expression. While this might be less reactive, it’s no less scary.

This divorce approach is often indicative of a relationship that has been suffering for a long time under the surface. In more avoidant cycles of communication this can feel like a bomb being dropped, since partners have yet to acknowledge the state of their relationship.

Are we over?

No, not necessarily. Here’s where couples counseling can be your greatest asset. At Cycles Couples Counseling, we can help you and your partner track and assemble what interactions led to the threats of divorce.

The Exploration Process

This process starts with exploring and frankly, just being curious about the relationship’s current emotional dynamics:

  When did this first come up?

            Does this happen frequently?

            What is your partner hoping for in that moment?

            What do you do after they threaten divorce?

            Does your outside appearance match your inner experience?

For example:

• Cue: Partner shutting down
• Outside Emotional Experience: Defensive/Anger
• Meaning Making: We can’t go on like this./They don’t love me anymore.
• Inside Emotional Experience: Fear/Anxiety/Panic
• Action: Threaten Divorce

By tracking and assembling this negative interactional cycle, partners can begin to identify what is actually happening to them in these panicked moments. More often than not, the largest reactivity comes from the biggest fears.

If they don’t want to divorce, why would they threaten it?

You have a point. This is pretty counterintuitive. If they are so scared to lose you, then why would they push you away?

Unfortunately, for some partners this is their way to protest the current relationship dynamics. Most likely, they are protesting the negative cycle, not the marriage itself.

             All we are is roommates.

            We never talk anymore.

            You never want to make love.

The pain of disconnection from an attachment figure is enough to send anyone into an overwhelming flooded spot. The threat of divorce often has little to do with you and everything to do with negative cycle of disconnection in your relationship.

In a way, a divorce can seem like a respite from the constant painful longing and disconnection. The seemingly unrequited love sends many partners to extremes.

By tracking this cycle involving threats of divorce, couples can begin to understand what is actually happening in these desperate moments.

Yes, but what if we calm down and they still want to divorce? 

It seems like your relationship has endured a lot of distress over some time. Cycles Couples Counseling can help you get a better understanding of how this distress and disconnection built and was sustained over time.

Through honest and vulnerable communication, you and your partner can explore this rift and how it became reinforced in your negative cycle. Participating in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy can help you to reach for each other more effectively and repair that bond so the relationship can stay in a place of respect and positive regard.

Even couples entrenched in heavy negative cycles have risen from the ashes and nurtured their relationship in some extraordinary ways. There is power in dialogue. 

The Best Goodbye Possible

While of course, every Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist’s goal is to repair relationships and restore closeness, their true mission is to foster and facilitate honest and vulnerable communication. Unfortunately, for some, this means finding a way to say goodbye.

If you find yourself ready to say goodbye, a couples therapist can help you to navigate this tender territory in the most loving way possible through separation and divorce counseling. After spending so much of your lives together, you both deserve peace and resolution. You are worthy of closure.

This conscious uncoupling counseling can be soft landing as you and your partner begin to navigate what a divorce or separation means for you. Ensuring you both have the best goodbye possible can range anywhere from one session to a couple process sessions.

Divorce doesn’t have to be scary. 

Through couples counseling you can protect yourself and your partner from separation trauma. Let us help you get to the root of what these threats of divorce really mean and facilitate more effective, honest emotional conversations.

Don't let things fester. We can help! Reach out today for a free consultation!