Many couples get stuck having the same argument.
At Cycles Couples Counseling, one of our most common couples therapy intake call requests is couples asking for help because they keep having the same argument. It can be so discouraging and frustrating to not be able to overcome a conflict, or even worse, have it keep recurring. Going through the same fight only to go to sleep angry or agree to disagree doesn't resolve the issue. This dynamic just tees couples up to have the same conflict rear its ugly head again at the next opportunity.
If this sounds familiar to you, you're not alone. Without a way to properly resolve conflict, many couples get stuck in these awful fight patterns.
Why are we having the same argument?
You may be at your wits end, wracking your brain--how do we get past this?! If you're fed up with the same fight over and over again, there's a good chance there's something ineffective about the way you are trying to resolve it.
Many times couples get stuck trying to sort through the data and assign blame. However, rarely are partners really stuck on the facts. Usually, they get tripped up on their interpretation of these facts and that's why they're having the same argument. It's very seldom that proving you're right and your partner is wrong will actually net you a win or peace of mind. Winning in a relationship really isn't winning. It's just isolating.
How do we move past this?!
One of the biggest factors in stopping an argument from recurring is understanding the structure. Often times the issue is more about the process of the argument than the content of the argument itself. It's important to note what you and your partner each do as the temperature heats up and you attempt to resolve an issue.
For some partners, when they feel the tension increase and conflict arise, they worry. It feels like the relationship could be in threat or bad feelings could intensify. Typically, these partners make attempts to protect themselves and the relationship from harm. This can often look like overly reassuring, shutting down or avoiding. To the receiving partner this might feel rejecting or dismissing. However, what we often uncover is that the motives behind these moves are a lot more relational than they seem. They just want to stop the pain and suffering.
Here's a great example from Pivotal Approach Relationship Coaching of of a common negative cycle couples can find themselves stuck in. Can you see the loop?
For some partners, when they feel a conflict brewing, they take a more proactive approach. They dive in and try to hash out the issue. Usually these partners fear that if something goes unresolved, it will grow and damage the relationship in the future. They tend to sound the alarm about possible disconnection. Normally this can seem like pursuing, pushing to talk, or, at worst, throwing a tantrum. While this may feel nagging or overwhelming for the receiving partner, what we often see is that these are just a partner's best attempts to grab the megaphone to say we need to rally to protect our relationship. They are protesting against any further disconnection.
As you might have already surmised, these are opposite strategies. In conjunction, they can serve to work against each other to create a self-reinforcing negative cycle. The more one partner pursues, the more the other withdraws and vice versa. Here is where most couples get stuck focusing on the content, rather than seeing the cycle is the issue.
Calming the Pursue Withdraw Cycle
Through the use of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) our couples counselors can help you and your partner to identify this cyclical pattern you are getting stuck in. Couples Counseling can help you to see the moves you are making that serve to fuel disconnection, rather than create resolution. As you and your partner begin to uncover this communication process, you will start to understand why you each respond with certain strategies and positions and how to do something different. While the argument may still be about the trash, the in-laws, or money, the way you two process these topics can be more effective.
EFT can give you the experience you need to express your emotions and foster collaboration, rather than debate, defend or shut down during arguments. Stay out of the evidence room and move towards your partner with couples therapy!
If you're sick of having the same argument, set up an appointment with one of our relationship specialists!
We understand this pattern isn't sustainable. Let us support you to do something different before it's too late. We know you've been trying. We can help you try in a more effective way.
Learn more about Couples Therapy in California.
